i've done quite a bit of thinking recently. made some conclusions, decided on a few things,
i've been called weird before n still am. somehow i cant disagree on tt.
in lieu of my recent spate of dilemmas, i guess the answers have been staring at my face ever since their onset, yet i've juz chose to choose to ignore them. That has been my main problem all my life. no wonder it has never been rosy for me. but u can say that it has been quite a beautiful disaster.
you see, for almost 30 years of my life, i've trusted instinct more than practicality (haha got this phrase fm a dear fren). i've been living through my heart as opposed to trusting what my brain has to say. so my decisions mostly are based on impulse. the problem is i get too caught up n it usually gets so hard to pull myself up.
life has presented me with many choices yet i keep picking those tt tend to land me in trouble. sometimes i juz feel that life is mocking me in its own way. it will lift me up into the clouds for a moment and then drops me n send me sprawling down towards oblivion, then it catches me again, cushioning my fall with its bed of roses before deciding to let me fall through the thorns again.
yah yah i noe i noe, life has got its ups n downs n everybody experiences the same fate, yada yada yada. juz let me complain abt mine okay...
now dun get me wrong.i'm not totally unhappy wif how things r wif my life now. it's juz tt i have conflicting ideals. i like to c myself as a bit of a perfectionist. so wen things r not turning out as i expect them to, i tend how have gripes abt it. for example, ryt now i noe in the eyes of many ppl, wat i'm doin is considered taboo. it's totally wrong but as i've mentioned before, my heart totally controls my decision-making. n it's draining me. it's like havin ur life force get sucked out of u slowly. i c it happening in front of my eyes n i have the power to stop it, yet i chose to watch it slowly seep away. y? coz i m chasing perfection. n u ask me, y does perfection seem to make me feel so out of sorts? ah, tt's juz me. somehow i always yearn for something tt makes me unhappy.
this is how i c myself now:
I am
- happily depressed
- contentedly unfulfilled
- unpleasantly nice
- troubledly fine
- crazily sane
- unstylishly elegant
- unfunnily humourous
- charmingly unattractive
- irrationally smart
in short, i'm a walking oxymoron
No comments:
Post a Comment