feel like cryn
feel like jumpn
juz wanna roll over n play dead
get this confusion outa ma head

feel like a cardiac squeeze
arterial drainage
vacuumed pulmonaries
disguised courage

playin a game
negative odds
outcome's the same
yet i board

24th April 2007: The -moron

hmm...
i've done quite a bit of thinking recently. made some conclusions, decided on a few things,
i've been called weird before n still am. somehow i cant disagree on tt.
in lieu of my recent spate of dilemmas, i guess the answers have been staring at my face ever since their onset, yet i've juz chose to choose to ignore them. That has been my main problem all my life. no wonder it has never been rosy for me. but u can say that it has been quite a beautiful disaster.

you see, for almost 30 years of my life, i've trusted instinct more than practicality (haha got this phrase fm a dear fren). i've been living through my heart as opposed to trusting what my brain has to say. so my decisions mostly are based on impulse. the problem is i get too caught up n it usually gets so hard to pull myself up.

life has presented me with many choices yet i keep picking those tt tend to land me in trouble. sometimes i juz feel that life is mocking me in its own way. it will lift me up into the clouds for a moment and then drops me n send me sprawling down towards oblivion, then it catches me again, cushioning my fall with its bed of roses before deciding to let me fall through the thorns again.

yah yah i noe i noe, life has got its ups n downs n everybody experiences the same fate, yada yada yada. juz let me complain abt mine okay...

now dun get me wrong.i'm not totally unhappy wif how things r wif my life now. it's juz tt i have conflicting ideals. i like to c myself as a bit of a perfectionist. so wen things r not turning out as i expect them to, i tend how have gripes abt it. for example, ryt now i noe in the eyes of many ppl, wat i'm doin is considered taboo. it's totally wrong but as i've mentioned before, my heart totally controls my decision-making. n it's draining me. it's like havin ur life force get sucked out of u slowly. i c it happening in front of my eyes n i have the power to stop it, yet i chose to watch it slowly seep away. y? coz i m chasing perfection. n u ask me, y does perfection seem to make me feel so out of sorts? ah, tt's juz me. somehow i always yearn for something tt makes me unhappy.

this is how i c myself now:

I am

• happily depressed
• contentedly unfulfilled
• unpleasantly nice
• troubledly fine
• crazily sane
• unstylishly elegant
• unfunnily humourous
• charmingly unattractive
• irrationally smart
  

in short, i'm a walking oxymoron

20th Apr 2007: State of my mind now

tcefrep os eb ot evah uoy od yhw

wyh od i lnad mleysf ni tsih butuaefil mses

siht hguorht flesym tup i dluohs yhw

i wonk nihto'sgn ongna omec tou of hits,

tye i ruby flymes peered

gnineppah eb siht dluohs

wta bowl idd afte lead em

siht morf nrael i tsum tahw

i peek burbing tihs no my won cafe

ti's kile i poselyrup kool rof boutler

tcefrep os eb ot evah uoy od yhw ho

15 Apr 2007: Falling

i dunno y but i've not been at ease. Ppl around me r hepi n as they say, aku tumpang bahagia je. I try but i cant. wat can i do? i keep fallin n it's hard to get back up each time. it juz keeps gettin harder as deeper i fall. i try to stop but it's almost impossible. it juz keeps pulling me, keeps drawing me down. Tho, i noe it's a bottomless pit. i'll juz fall to nowhere. can someone throw me a line, stop my descent into this meaningless abyss.

weird as it may seem, most times i do not mind this plight i m in. juz waiting for the day, i knock myself against the wall or the inexistent floor. i noe i need to wake up but i juz succumb to this impossible dream. help!

ape saje

sebenarnya aku ni da de blog la kat multiply...tapi kan ade tempat tu, ni multiply nye website tak leh load...so aku ingat buat la ni blog dan link dua dua la
jadi sape sape yg masih kaypo pasal diri aku ni..boleh jugak baca ttg karya/warkah2 ku yg tak seberapa ni hah